…In Which BardHaven Tries to Grows Up

zindrabar

Well gentle readers, the Linden have finally done it. They have dreamed of it, talked of it, hinted at it, threatened it, promised it…and now they FINALLY, for better or worse, have done it. They have found what they hope is the answer to the election year virginity of various governments, the innocent sensibilities of big corporations and the well known canard written on bathroom walls throughout the internet that Second Life is just, in the words of Dr. Ruth Westheimer, “zecks und Zecks UND ZECKS"!!!”.

And what is that fabled answer? well, they have created a giant red light district in Second Life, named a continent called Zindra (Why Zindra? No one knows, but doesn’t it sound like a low-cal fat substitute…or maybe something you eat grilled with Qustle Root and sautéed Kajira Nipples in Gor?).

Of course they are saying that simulated violence and drug use will ALSO be sent off to the new Adult-only continent of Zindra, but we all know this is not about shooting freaks or freaks shooting up, but getting freaks ON…or not doing so as the case may be.

The Linden Labs blog announces the opening with the following introduction…

Many of you have been waiting patiently for the chance to explore the new adult continent known as Zindra. In coordination with the final release of the 1.23 viewer, we are pleased to announce that the waiting is over! Today, Monday, June 15th, Zindra will be officially opened for the Residents of Second Life.

Well, Zindra is open alright…and are any of you surprised that I already packed up my bag of tricks and ran off to have a look at this brave nude world and see just how Adult things could be there?

I didn’t think so.

On my quest for Adulthood, I first arrived at the main telehub for Zindra, Kama City in the unfortunately named Sim of Mosh and was impressed by the fact that the Lindens apparently think that concrete and blue glowing plexiglass is dead sexy. The building itself reminded me of a Soviet era airline terminal, built and then forgotten in some out of the way Eastern European industrial town. I found myself listening for a droning, echoing voice babbling over an out of date PA system, things like “You are Welcomed to Terminal Three by the representatives of the Ministry of Going Places with Appropriate Permission. Do not leave the area of the terminal indecent by red lines of paint or you will be retained for further discussions with authorities. You must have all papers with you at all times after redisembarking, displayed in prominence. Thank you, enjoy your travels swiftly today, please to not have babies in foyer.”

 

To my horror, I soon realized the building DID have a droning, echoing voice over a PA system making indecipherable announcements on behalf of Second Life. At first I assumed it was just typical Exhortations from LL, such as “Enjoy Harder” or “Do Not Question Virtual Authority”…but they went on too long. Too many vowels. Therefore I finally decided they were something more like “Welcome Adults to Zindra! Please prepare a notecard listing all of your personal deviances, any medications you currently use to control your urges, and any outstanding convictions and have it ready to present to a Linden at all times. Do not make direct contact with any Linden unless approached, and then spray yourself with lysol and vinegar before answering any IMs. DO NOT address a Linden in open chat at any time or your genital privileges will be revoked. Thank you for your understanding and your willingness to be helped. Please enjoy your Second Life and then go away and die as soon as possible. Second Life…Your World, Our Morality.”

…or words to that effect.

Camming around the Sim, not ALL of the architecture was that bad or seemingly out of place. Take for example, the structure shown below…

Though I have never seen an entire building made to resemble a woman’s external genitalia (well, I did see one once at Sensual Stoneworks, but that was different and MUCH gooier looking), it certainly seemed to be in line with the supposed theme of the continent. No sign of a Leaning Tower of Penis however, but perhaps that will be erected later. Was this Adult at last?

As for the people I encountered, mainly they seemed a bit confused and unsure exactly what they were supposed to do in this enormous concrete wonderland. There were the expected mix of furries, half or undressed women, farm animals and curious clergymen milling around, plus a surprising number of people holding discourses with anyone that would listen (and often noone at all) about how much they loved Zindra. Often it tended to sound something like “Gee, we are really LUCKY that Linden Labs built us this great place where we can hang out with other gorgeous avatars who are just as sick and kinky as we are. We really owe it to Linden Labs to stay quiet and out of the way and not bother children, representatives of major corporate clients or events that may include members of the news media. Anybody want to have sex?”

So there I was, surrounded by certified adults and Linden shills in an Adult Sim on an Adult continent, and it seemed just like most of the rest of SL…a big chat room where people stood around talking about sex and killing time. If this was Adult, I could be Adult anywhere on the grid, I didn’t have to come to this airport from Bolshevik hell for it.

Even Jack Linden got into the act, dropping by the airport terminal to blow sunshine at people and refuse to answer questions, but he was wearing suspenders down over his ass so how Adult could he be? On the plus side, he did apparently spend about fifteen minutes chatting up two hot Neko twins which may have had the possibility of being Adult, but as he ported out and they didn’t, I guess he failed to pull. He would get more women if he still gave out bears. I wonder what he asked them to do…but anyway…to an outside observer even that encounter seemed more 8th grade then Adult…I was getting frustrated.

Leaving Mosh, I decided to try out another Sim in Zindra in search of Adults doing Adult things, one that was advertised as a tropical vacation spot. All that I found there was a lonely road and lots of sand dune. Luckily there was a pretty girl in a red dress standing there to talk with, or I would have sworn I had taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque, since this was sure as hell not Pismo Beach. The landscape had a sort of sterile beauty to it, but didn’t seem especially adult, except for the woman in the red dress but she was wearing glitch pants. After a brief chat, she went on her way, and I was left to continue my quest.

I ported towards the closest grouping of buildings hoping to find someone doing something sexy. All I found was still more deserted concrete and blue plexiglass.…and a coffee bar. I still hadn’t found anything in this new continent (except for Pudenda House) that seemed inherently or remotely Adult, but at least there was virtual overpriced coffee. Was I doing something wrong? There were no baristas on hand in the cafe, and no patrons either…but lots of chairs, so I took advantage of the moment to decide that maybe the problem was that I just wasn’t being adult enough. Maybe the trick wasn’t looking for adultness, but making it for myself! From a Linden point of view, adult meant I either had to be into ageplay, shooting people in the head, or public full frontal nudity. As I was without any short avatars at that moment, or really anyone to shoot in the head, public nudity it was.

Near the coffee bar was a park, in the middle of which, for no apparent reason, were a group of horses that looked like refugees from a giant Playmobil set. How exactly these were Adult I was not sure, as I couldn’t find any poseballs marked with something subtle like “Mount her” or “Boots and Saddle, Pard!” or “Tally, Ho”. However, beggars can’t be chooses, so I stripped down and waited to feel more adult…which isn’t easy to do when naked sitting on a toy horse, unless you pay a great deal of money for the privilege and don’t give your real name.

For all you know, I may be sitting atop my plastic horse still, waiting for something adult to happen, or maybe I was banned by the Linden just on general principles. One never knows, these days.

 

Enter Zindra via Kama City at http:r//slurl.com/secondlife/Mosh/125/21/24…wear a red carnation and no pants, and meet me by the Playmobil Horses. Bring your own snorkel.

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2 Comments

  1. Not that this wasn’t amusing–and maybe the best tribute Zindra deserves–but we’re already seeing the ripple effect of people who won’t (for moral/internet protection reasons) or can’t (no credit card, no bank account, afraid of giving out their Social Security number, or live in a country that doesn’t HAVE ID or SS numbers) age-verify, and thus can’t go at *all*.

    And if sex beds and adult animations are still allowed in Mature-rated regions (as they should be), then why, again, does Zindra even exist?

  2. On a completely off tangent, what’s that font you used to caption the photos? Pretty. Like a typewriter with an ultra-fresh ink reel.


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