Journey to…the Mysterious Island – BardHaven’s Story Part 3


Finally they were under way to accost Phillip! The Aronnax slowly eased away from the dock in Caledon Cay covered in a waving, shouting crowd as the Baron of BardHaven paced along the rail, throwing beads and trinkets to the local ladies and applauding the results of said attentions. There is a good reason why they call Caledon Cay the “Small Easy”.

The other members of the expedition busied themselves with the various equipment as Dr. Sputnik made certain his blue hut was well secured with curious silver ropes and Mr. Abel was in hushed, soothing conversation with his penguins, one of whom kept staring at the Duchess of Loch Avie as if she were a particularly juicy sardine.

Once the gracious farewell of Caledon Cay was well at their stern, Baron BardHaven finally made his way to the ships wheel where the Captain stood, a darkly handsome man with very poor hygiene and heavy eye shadow. His hair hung in semi dreadlocks beneath any number of scarves, a wispy beard tied into three rat tails dangled from his chin. He steered a strong course towards the volcano, an apparently broken compass in his hand.


BardHaven on the Aronnax

The Baron cleared his throat softly…”Captain Sparrow, I presume?”

The Captain froze and spun suddenly, startled, then looked about before finally seeming to notice BardHaven next to him. “Aye, Capt. Jacques Sparrow, at your service.”

“Amazing..aren’t you the same Jack Sparrow who…?”

The seaman shook his head. “I get that all the time…but no. Not Jack, Jacques…Instead of an Ack it an Auch.”

“But aren’t you a pira….”

“NO, not at all. Law abiding boy scout I am. I am so sick of people looking at me and saying Pirate, without even getting to know me. Like I don’t have no feelings….”

“Really, I’m sorry…but well you are the spitting image of…”

“Yes, yes, so I’ve been told, but he’s not me, mate.”

BardHaven stared. “And the name….?

“Coincidence. Sheer coincidence. Never met the scalawag, savvy?”

AHA!”, cried the Baron, “you just said sa… ”

The Captain nodded again.”Aye, I know. Just threw that into to yank your chain, ya git. I could weave and shake a bit for ya if you’d like.”

“Ah…I that won’t be necessary” said the crestfallen Baron.

“Very good then. Now get the crap off my poop”

BardHaven slipped back down to the main deck a bit chagrined, finally seeing to his own gear and having brief, supportive conversations with several of his ship mates. These heartwarming conversations mainly consisted of veiled warnings, crude sexual innuendo, careful threats and attempts at psychological intimidation. It reminded of him at his days back at his alma mater, Giles d’Rey Memorial Preparatory (GO HERETICS!).

The next few days were a whirlwind of shipboard duties, scientific calculations, equipment preparation, hiding Sputnik’s glasses, posing heroically on the prow in the misty dawn, dinners at the Captain’s table (nobility only, thank you very much), hearty breakfasts of eggs and penguin, hissed conversations with various Duchesses, playing Tarot with Darkling as she talked of her visions and long hours of boredom broken up by taking bets on how many times the Baroness Palowakski would fall into the sea and need to be fished out with the bait hook. The Baron put 500 Linden on seven.

Until finally, after days spent sailing through the Straits of Plot Device, a cry was heard from the boy in the crow’s nest. “Land HO!”

All of the ladies responded without thinking, “Yes?”…then looking around at one another, blushed slightly and shouted in unison “I BEG your pardon??!!”

The boy cried out again…”I mean…the Island is HO. I mean..the right there!”

“At last”, said Dr. Sputnik. “Clearly we should circle the island at a safe distence to get a better sense of our surroundings.”

BardHaven snorted. “Nonsense. We should drop anchor and penetrate the cove as soon as possible. Get in there and not withdraw until we get the job done.”

The Duchesses soon piped up as well.

The Duchess of Loch Avie explained “I think we should drop anchor and wait until we are sure the approach is safe…don’t you agree darling Gabi?”

The Duchess of Carntaigh nodded. “Absolutely, sweet Eva. I insist upon making sure my approach is safe before dropping ANYTHING.

Mr Abel shook his head. “Caution is commendable dear ladies, but we are short on time. Perhaps if we move into the shallows and get a better look at the beaches from a dingy?”

Darkling considered carefully. “Before takin’ any action with dingies, I must consult tha bones….t’see what may be awaiting us on yon Island.

The Baroness Palowakski looked up from the desk where she had been napping. “Perhaps there is an island store awaiting us in the liquor…ummm..I mean…liquor store awaiting the island? I mean awaiting us…Perhaps?

The apple barrel interjected. “Before you all go dashing onto the damn beach maybe you should let the kitten OUT of the bag before she FREAKIN‘ suffocates after all this DAMN time? JEBUS!”

Captain Jacques Sparrow held up his hand woozily…”Now hold on, if you brought a girl in a barrel along, uncorking will cost ya extra, Baron BaldPimple.

The Baron stared. “What is kiralette doing in an apple barrel!…And WHAT is the Captain doing back here..WHO is sailing the Aronnax?”

Everyone stared at one another stupidly for a moment, and then with a shrill cry, a Penguin finally lost control of the ship’s wheel and shot backward as the wheel spun wildly, hitting Mr. Abel in the chest, knocking him off the stern and into the sand as the ship ground to a sudden, brutal half on the beach itself.

Baron BardHaven picked himself up off the deck slowly…”Well..all ashore that’s going ashore?”



  1. […] BardHaven’s Story: Part 3, in which the Expedition at Last Sets out to Accost Phillip […]

  2. […] BardHaven’s Story: Part 3, in which the Expedition Accosts Phillip (with a Crash) […]

  3. I do hope your ship is insured sir!

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