Caledon: The Motion Picture


I am tired. When I am tired, oftentimes my mind goes places I didn’t send it and brings me back things. It did that today as I was considering the current noise about the Transformers movie over lunch.

What it brought me back was a question, written on a little vellum scroll. The question read as follows: Who would play who in Caledon: The Motion Picture? As I chewed the question along with my beef pad thai, I began to come up with some suggestions, and the decision to open the game to my fellow citizens.

The following is my initial cast list for this all star BLOCKBUSTER. It is neither complete nor set in stone, so I am open to additions, suggestions and arguments. In fact, I encourage them..nay..DEMAND them. Remember, if you mean to cast an actor based on a certain look or period in their career, indicate the film/show you are envisioning them in. As this is the Metaverse, we can cast through space and time.

John Cusack is Guvnah Desmond Shang
Catherine Zeta-Jones is Duchess Gabrielle Riel
Renee Zellwenger is Duchess Eva Bellambi
Stephen Dorff is Col Hotspur O’Toole
Claire Danes is Miss Lapin Paris
Billy Zane is Baron Zealot Benmergui
Nicole Kidman is Baroness Kirawill Collingwood
Meg Ryan (in Top Gun) is Miss kiralette Kelley
Keanu Reeves is Mr Gnarlihotep Abel
Edward Fox (in Day of the Jackal) is Mr. Edward Pearse
Meryl Streep (in The French Lieutenant’s Woman) is Miss Christine McAllister
Hugh Laurie is Dr. Oolon Sputnik
Sandra Bullock is Miss Terry Lightfoot
John Rhys Davies is Prof Alfonso Avalanche
Bette Midler is Miss Fuschia Begonia
Christian Bale is Dr. Darien Mason
Cary Elwes is Mr. ZenMondo Wormzer
Eliza Dushku is Miss Darkling Elytis
Pauley Perrette (NCIS) is Miss Katat0nik Pidgeon
Teri Hatcher is Miss Lavandar Beaumont
Chris Sarandon is Mr. Erasmus Margulies

There are my initial, get your Google and iMDb on and have at it.



  1. Lord Bardhaven,
    Interesting casting Choices, but if anyone walks up to me and introduces themselves as Hugo Montoya, I shall change into a dragon and eat them.

  2. May I here suggest that my part should be played by Uma Thurman. Thank you.

  3. Dorff.. not bad, not bad.. I loved him in Cecil B. Demented and those Blade movies.

    Or perhaps Kenneth Brannagh, without the gigantic ears.

  4. I can I can certainly live with Miss Hatcher playing my part, she does seem to have my penchant for getting into messes, but I rather see Zen as being played by Johnny Depp. :)

  5. Brilliant! I am the Dread Pirate Roberts… or a victim in Saw… hmmm could be worse. Though I do like the idea of Johnny Depp as me as Lady Lavendar has suggested. Though more the Benny & Joon Johnny Depp than Jack Sparrow.. but hmm I do hoist the jolly roger (and where it kilt form) in RL.

    I think we need to find a Caledonian to cast with Hugh Jackman from the Prestige (not the X-men) I think he would make a good Oolon.

  6. I was also thinking whom could we give to Edward Norton, John Malcovich and of course Gary Oldman..

  7. The Gnarli Panther is played by a $200 million CGI special effcts package from ILM, voiced by David Bowie.

    I always Thought Edward more of a Sean Connery from “The Man Who Would Be King.”

    But Keanaeu Reeves? Duuuuuuude! maybe if he was also dubbed by Bowie :P

  8. ACtually Mr. Abel you pretty much hit the nail on the head.

    See my Introductory post back in January about where various elements cam from.

  9. Miss Gustafson:
    I will consider Uma Thurman for you. Anyone know how Uma handles an innertoob?

    Mr. O’Toole:
    No to Branagh unless you keep the ears. Then maybe, dependingonhowfastyourcanspitiambicpentameter.

    Miss Beaumont:
    Mr. Wormzer only gets to be Johnny Depp if we recast you as Orlando Bloom. Anyway, I was saving Johnny Depp for Philip Linden.

    Mr. Wormzer:
    I really didn’t need to know that when you wear a kilt it hoists up. A thing for Scotsmen, hmmm? TMI.

    Mr. Abel:
    If you ask nicely, we can let Eddie Izard dub Keanu. Close enough?

    Mr. Pearse:
    Connery eh? Would Connery circa Indy 3 be good enough?

  10. An addition I thought of earlier tonight:

    Helen Bonham Carter as Miss Virrginia Tombola

  11. A brilliant diversion, Lord Bardhaven!

    I wonder if I may be so bold as to add my character to the list — I will admit a certain curiosity as to the suggestions, in an ego-centric sort of way.

    Oh, and the ‘Eddie Izzard dubs Keanu Reeves’ idea gave me a chuckle or three.

  12. Sir, I am sticking with Terri Hatcher….I don’t have Orlando Blooms moves….

  13. Anyone know how Uma handles an innertoob?
    Like a katana, but softly

  14. Lord Bardhaven, now that I have been thinking upon it, I am more the Hugh Grant type than Chris Sarandon.

  15. I wonder if I may be so bold as to add my character to the list — I will admit a certain curiosity as to the suggestions, in an ego-centric sort of way.

    Julianne Moore? (albeit a tad younger, ca. SHORT CUTS (1993) rather than nowadays)

    Bryndal Ellison – Madeline Stowe ca THE TWO JAKES

    Qlippothic Projects – C3PO with a wig

    Virrginia Tombola – Lili Taylor

    Lapin Paris – Katarzyna Figura (certainly not Rene Z)

    Gnarlihotep Abel – Kevin Costner (ca Silverado)

    Darien Mason – Lyle Lovett or Steve Buscemi

  16. I was thinking of one. Cornelia Rothschild as Cornelia Rothschild — or a CG version of her voiced by her. No one else could play it. Samples of her voice available on request.

    And I don’t hoist my kilt, except for two circumstances, and NEVER in public.

  17. For Kira, I today ran across a spread in GQ on Mary Elizabeth Winstead (who plays Lucy, McClain’s daughter in the new Die Hard movie)- and see, with the addition of green contacts, a very likely candidate!

  18. Well…although Sandra Bullock is lovely and romantic…she just doesn’t have the spunk. I think I’d prefer Marissa Tomei from “My Cousin Vinnie” but of course wi a different haircut in every scene. Ahem.

  19. This is simply brilliant! Thank you for thinking this up in your weary state today. I have a thought about better casting for myself, however, as I really do not see either the physical or behavioral similarities between Renee Zellweger and me.
    Please see my blog for photographic evidence of my choice of Eva Green in the role of Duchess Eva Bellambi.

    Actually I think Renee Zellweger would make a fine Lapin Paris.

    Another option for Lady Kate Nicholas – Gillian Anderson (House of Mirth).

    Sir Telemachus Dean would be played by Viggo Mortensen (Lord of the Rings)

    Sir Edward Pearse would definitely be played by Sean Connery.

    We’ll see what else may spin around in my head as I think about this later…..

  20. With all due respect, I think Kate Winslett would be the perfect choice for me. However, that is my opinion and bias and others may see it differently.

  21. Miss Christine: Kate Winslet is inspired, I think. With, of course, suitably red hair. And a floating CGI eyeball that would wander in and out of scene.

    Miss Terry: how does Marissa Tomei look in wings?

  22. Catherine Zeta-Jones it is!!! Singing and dancing just like she did in Chicago! My lifelong unfulfilled RL dream was to be a Broadway actress, and Ms. Z-J started out on the London stage singing and hoofing it.

  23. A few more suggestions…

    Diane Keaton is Miss Ordinal Malaprop
    Noah Wyle is Mr. JJ Drinkwater

  24. Now then..Directors.

    Spielberg: In the end, Desmond Shang goes back to his own planet, everyone cries.

    Coppola: Desmond Shang is rubbed out, everyone cries.

    Scorsese: Shang gets rubbed out, nobody gives a f#ck, ya unnerstand?

    Michael Bay: Shang and all of Caledon blows up really really good.

    Ridley Scott: Caledon is really dark and smokey and Shang hunts down and kills us all one by one in really beautiful ways.

    Tarantino: This Caledon capers goes really bad and we all shoot each other except for Shang, played by Steve Buscemi, who survives only to be gunned down by Phillip Linden and a chorus girl named Alice not seen earlier in the film.

    David Lean: 4 hour mega epic in which Shang finally dies after being wounded heroically defending the sweeping vistas of beautiful Caledon. Noone cries but they feel cultural for watching it.

    Bergman: Shang watches time slowly creep by, contemplating the nature of life as represented by three prim blocks he keeps rearranging. Everyone speaks Swedish.

    Fellini: Shang wanders through the mad, rushing carnivale of Caledon and falls in love with a woman dressed as a monkey. No one understands the ending.

    Ron Howard: Desmond Shang makes a Sim called Caledon. Bad people try to stop him. He wins with the help of Tom Hanks and a bunch of noble PC repairmen. We all sing together in the end.

    Terry Gilliam: Shang enters a computerized world and creates Caledon, an allegory for man struggling to create order in chaos, and battles monstrous 25 foot tall griefers shaped like sheep. In one version he is torn apart by griefers, in another he isn’t really torn apart, just pretends to be.

  25. Hugh Laurie? /sighs

    Think I might go for John Goodman and Rosie O’Donnell for Alfonso and Fushia though ;-)

    John Malkovich – Mr Roy Smashcan?
    Temuera Morrison – Mr Aldo Stern?
    Julian Sands – Mr Jules Whittlesea?
    A rather sickly looking Helena Bonham Carter – Admiral Carrice Wind?

  26. John Rhys Davies – marvellous. Never even occured to me, but perfect casting. “Asps. Very dangerous…” etc.

    As for directors, I’m just worried about the George Lucas version where all the members of the cast are replaced by virtual actors and placed in an entirely virtual environment with a supporting cast of small furry creatures and anthropomorphic animal sidekicks…er…

    Oh and watch out for Spielberg’s Special Edition re-release a few years down the line where all the scenes involving the war are replaced with tea parties and polite conversation.

  27. I have a recommendation for Cornelia Rothschild! A young Jane Wiedlen (from the Go-Gos). She has the look *and* the voice!

  28. Oh, drat. Now I really want to see the Ridley Scott version.

    And of course, lurking Gunbunnies that are never quite explained, but…present. Dangerously present.

  29. Could I have Kate Beckinsale play me?

  30. Bette Midler – yes. But I promise not to sing “Wind Beneath My Wings” to anyone.

    Rosie O’Donell??? I’m hiding your bucket and mop, Old Man…..

  31. Eliza Dushku? ohh, aye! Just so long as there are many action scenes without floor-length skirts in which to show off my dance moves, martial arts (and stockings).

    If however, I am to dress ~properly~ throughout the entire film (/makes a face/), then please allow me to suggest Jennifer Connolly. She would look just right in a corset of ivy, tangled hair full of violets, cackling and playfully hexing rude passersby. An’ most likely, she could be managin teh accent.

    I would like to see Miss Qlippothic played by Jewel Staite (of Firefly/Serenity) in really good metallic-sheen makeup and mind-bending CG work.

    my suggestion for director: Darren Aronofsky
    (Pi, Requiem for a Dream, the Fountain)
    The film would be visually stunning to all, give headaches to some, be understood by half, and leave near everyone thinking we just missed touching something very, very profound.
    Let us watch that once more.

    my suggestion for 3D design artist for the hallucination sequence(s): Darkling Elytis
    The trees will howl and grow strange and sentient, and everybody gets wings!

  32. Ashley Judd for me please (but she has to dye her hair red).

    Miss Doyle has the delicate features that are represented quite perfectly by Nicole Kidman.

  33. Hanna-Barbera directing: Desmond and his dog Scooby are chased by a mysterious werewolf all over Caledon until the creature is caught by some ridiculous trap accidentally set by Desmond in his overanxious attempts to escape.

    All of Caledon descends upon the creature, which when unmasked, says, “I would have gotten away with it except for you meddling kids!”

    Various citizens of Caledon are then compared to archetypes of the stoner, the jock, the nerd, and so forth, and fill discussions of Caledon machanima reruns for years to come…

    If I could get away with it, I’d have Jackie Chan play me… but I’d deserve Stephen Chow… grin

  34. You forgot a main character of the story Ranma Tardis! Where would any movie be without her?

  35. RUH ROHHH!

    OH, and….
    A rather sickly looking Helena Bonham Carter – Admiral Carrice Wind?

    OK, that’s just pure genius. (as in Fight Club).
    Also..Rosie O’Donell as Fuschia…also genius.

    the end.

  36. I realize I’m just a bit part, but may I reserve Sela Ward? She’s only a few years older than me, but I’m not complaining.


    Nabila N Peterman

  37. While I am very flattered by Oolon’s suggestion of the gentleman who played the Jango Fett character for my role, he is a bit too young, too good looking, and perhaps a bit too stocky. I would suggest either Liam Neeson or Jeremy Irons. Oh hell, who am I kidding…get John Cleese

    As for the suggestion of John Malkovich for Roy Smashcan, I have always thought of Roy as more the role for Rutger Hauer — perhaps then Mr. Malkovich would be available for the Exrex Somme role?

    I assume our non-human neighbors would have to be CG but offer grand possiblities for the voice over actors–Ewan McGregor might be suitable for Jermey Pertwee, Colm Meaney for Bastillion Bachman, and Patrick Stweart for Khashai Steinbeck. Kamilah’s a tough one though–I have imagined her with something like Queen Latifah’s voice–not sure–just has to be someine with power, quiet passion, humor, resonance, and intelligence. Ah, perhaps George Clooney for Viderian Vollmar?

    oh, and Nicole Kidman for Miss Doyle works quite nicely, thank you very much, Bryn.

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