Swifter, Higher, Wetter


Few athletic endeavors created by mortal man can challenge The BardHaven Cup for sheer drama, pathos and guiltily amused blood lust. The only recent sporting event that can even be compared with the Cup was the Crimean War, and that tended to be a bit slow in places.

This year’s Cup was truly one for the ages. One of the highlights was the inclusion of weapons dispensers on the course itself for those who came unheeled, assuming one was able to reach the partially hidden supply barrels. To those who survived this year’s events, the DE 256 Minigun will always be known as “The Great Leveler”.

A large number of Caledonians, sports enthusiasts and rubber fetishists gather on the ferry dock in Mayfair to watch and compete in this thrilling event.

Once the time honored rules of The BardHaven Cup were solemnly intoned to the contestants (1. No Rules 2. No Fouls 3. No Problem) and they were informed that while on Barony land they were expected to uphold the motto of the Benmergui family, Unashamed, the race commenced.

It was fast, it was furious, it was gratuitously violent…all that is best in the world of sports. After three hard fought laps, Miss Diamanda Gustafson proved victorious using what commentators called a strategy combining speed, control and cowardice as she deftly avoided her rivals and their gunfire to cross the line first. Close at her heels were Lady Kirawill Collingwood, Baroness Bardhaven in second place and Dr. Oolon Sputnik in third.

Due to her recent spate of sporting victories, it is rumored that a well known clothing designer in Caledon will soon be producing “Air Diamanda” athletics pumps.

As we have come to expect from our beloved Caledonians, dancing and socializing after the event went on for six hours in the Rose Garden at the House of Three Graces. In fact, she was so loath to depart that Duchess Carntaigh hosted her radio program from BardHaven as her loving subjects raved on around her.

Congratulations to the winners and all the contestants, condolences to the next of kin, and the grateful thanks to all of you from both the Baron and Baroness for helping make the event so successful.

Special thanks to Miss Darkling Elytis and Baroness Kirawill Collingwood for their photography skills and to Prof Alfonso Avalanche and Miss Fuschia Begonia for their hard work, support and good example.


The starting line of this year’s course (above), described by one participant as “Dante’s Inferno as written by Shamu”.


Spectators Miss Darling Elytis and Mr. Erasmus Margulis (above), reacting to a contestant being disqualified due to having been blown in half by a limpit mine.


This year’s Cup Champion Miss Diamanda Gustafson (above) performing her victory dance, which she seems to have learned from last year’s winner, Miss LittleEqypt Kleinman.


The Artist and the Timelord (above): Miss hyasynth Tiramisu and Dr. Oolon Sputnik.


Miss kiralette Kelley (above), showing off her majority for gentleman onlookers.


Her Grace Duchess Gabrielle Riel (above), the Voice of Independent Caledon.


Dr. Oolon Sputnik (above), shaking his time/space continuum.


Caledon celebrates (above) another successful BardHaven Cup.


Miss Darkling Elytis (above), luring contestants to their doom.



  1. Due to her recent spate of sporting victories, it is rumored that a well known clothing designer in Caledon will soon be producing “Air Diamanda” athletics pumps.

    I ‘ll send my accountant.

  2. I’m still pouting over this. When I got the invitation, I wasn’t called out of world on Sundays, and I just didn’t connect the date until it was the day, and I realized I couldn’t be there…


  3. Arrrr, I be a very sad pand..pira..pixie that I be missin’ that thar race. Haharrrr boohoo sniff sob. Drat be ta them thar timezones

  4. Alas, no contestants found their doom with me; all of my lures failed. The Caledonian Cottontail lure was left forgotten at home, leaving me only with New Babbage Bobbers and Neualtenburg Schvine Clawz. Which do not catch the eye of the piscine Caledonian near as surely as a fine twitchin ‘tail.

    Which leaves me with a lot of leftover doom. Any takers?

  5. Leftover doom? What a concept. As in passing said doom about, or visiting said doom upon us?

  6. Lady Darkling, I’ll take a little bit of the extra doom… it helps clean the grout in the tile, and whitens the marble as well. ;)

  7. Its very good for the brasses as well and its marvelllous against slugs.

  8. I’m glad to hear your race went well, Baron B! A most amusing and clever idea.

    Leftover doom, sliced thinly, sprinkled with cheese, and warmed in the oven, is rather pleasant. It’s only revenge which is best served cold.

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