Standing in the Ruby Library of The House of Three Graces, the Baron of BardHaven slowly cranked the bronze handle of the gramophone until it clicked softly. Turning to the desk, he carefully picked up a large, square leather reinforced oilskin envelope with one hand, a Vulgarian Ceremonial Virgin Skinning Dagger with the other and carefully slit the stout leather straps of the oilskin pouch open.
He cautiously slid out a black wax disc from the protective envelope and laid it gently on the gramophone. Setting the glistening needle in place against the inky wax, he slowly opened the folders that came with the disk as the dulcet voice of Miss Kate Nicholas of the Royal Society for the Advancement of Knowledge in the Natural Sciences began purring and rasping from the bronze horn of the gramophone.
“Good day, Lord BardHaven. Your mission, if you decide to accept it….”
“…is to take a small scientific exploration to the Volcanic Island known as Phillip. This expedition will seek to answer the following questions. Why did Phillip arrive in the sea off of Caledon? Why is it causing these earthquakes, and how can they be stopped? In addition, it is vitally important to learn the identity of any inhabitants of Phillip…”
The recorded statement paused for a moment as Miss Nicholas appeared to have been interrupted and was having a hissed argument with another person. Finally, she returned to the microphone.
“I DO beg your pardon, but I have also been asked to bring to your attention that the money which had been intended to purchase Prim Hats for the Society staff was instead spent, unbeknownst to me until just now, on…Mummy Deodorant. Therefore, it is the request of CERTAIN members of my staff that if you should have any unused Prim Hats that you send them to the HQ of the Royal Society to address this VITAL NEED.” A voice away from the microphone said “Right Oh. Thankie. Cheery Pip!” and a door closed.
Miss Nicholas sighed into the micophone. “Good lord, what I have to work with….Now then, AS I was saying. I have sent you a packet of dossiers on members of the Royal Society who may be suitable for this endeavor. Please review them and get cracking Sir…time is of the essence my lord. As you read, please along the recording to run out, thank you.”
The dark Baron now turned his attention to the waiting manila folders, and quickly selected those he thought appropriate to the tasks Miss Nicholas intended..as well as those endeavors of a more…personal nature which he had planned for this little outing. As he laid them out, he spoke to Kashmir, his invisible manservant, who had just finished packing the Baron’s valise.
“First of all…Dr. Oolon Sputnik. An able scientist if a bit of a prude. He seems to have aged rapidly of late, which I suspect is due to an advancing cocaine addiction. If so, that is only to the good as far as I am concerned. He also refers to himself as a Time Lord….whatever the deuce that means.”
“Perhaps that means he is very punctual, Sahib?” whispered Kashmir.
BardHaven snorted. “Good lord I hope so..a lost art, punctuality.”
He tossed a second folder down. “Next, Eva Bellambi, Duchess of Loch Avie. Archeological experience, a decent shot and apparently bored to the teeth at playing Duchess and looking for some excitement. A volcano seems right up her street. Besides, as she is my feudal Lady, she could order me to bring her at any rate, so why not cut to the chase.
Kashmir nodded invisibly. “Practical as always, dread Baron…”
Another folder slapped down upon the desk. “If we bring Loch Avie,. we need to bring Carntaigh. Gabrielle Riel, Duchess of Carntaigh. Apparently an entertainer of some sort, perhaps a busker. At any rate, she seems to be interested in earning her bones as a woman of serious intent as well as seeing what it will be like to “hold a rave on an active geological fault”. I have never seen fit to stop a woman from committing half-nude suicide in the past, I see no reason to start now.”
Another folder. “Gnarlihotep Abel. Sportsman, photographer, adventurer, part time scholar and all around good egg apparently. In short, the perfect patsy. There is also the added benefit that he is romancing my young ward, kiralette and I can think of no better opportunity to drop him in a lake of boiling lava. He apparently wishes to come along on this expedition because he wants to “Do the right thing”.
For a few moments, both the Baron and Kashmir were unable to continue, being lost in gales of laughter. Finally, BardHaven wiped tears of mirth from his eyes and put another folder down.
“Oh lord..ahhh..youth these days….at any rate, next. Miss Darkling Elytis. Noblewoman from somewhere unpronounceable…maybe in Wales. Something of a recluse..apparently lives in a tree and doesn’t entirely trust clothing. Adept of dark arts, a sometimes muse and a were-something or other. Pale and purple-tressed…”
Kashmir gasped quietly….”Ahh…the prophecy of the Idol, my Master…”
“Yes…I am willing to gamble that she is the “Indigo Witch” the ancient text said will lead me to my prize…but first I need to get her out to that dratted volcano.”
“Lastly, Baroness Amber Palowakski. Something of an adventuress in the day apparently, cured of vampirism which is deucedly tricky to do without a stake and whatnot. Hobnobbed with demons so the scuttlebutt says. My little birds say she has spent the last several weeks doing little but mope around and dispose of good cooking wine…which means in case this goes badly, she will be the perfect weak link to blame it all on.”
Kashmir nodded, though no one could tell as he was invisible. “Very wise, my lord.”
Suddenly, the recording of Miss Nicholas began to speak again. “By now my Lord BardHaven, you have selected your team. Good luck Sir, All of Caledon is depending on you. This recording will make an awful mess in 60 one thousands….one one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand, four…. “
The Baron grabbed his valise, closed the library door behind him and wandered down the great marble staircase to discover his path blocked…by the luggage of Miss kiralette Kelley.
“I’m ready to go Sir” piped the flame haired neko, the younger sister of his darling Kirawill. She was decked out in a khaki pinafore with lace petticoats, a sturdy looking pith helmet with “BORN TO TEA” scrawled on the side in Lip Rouge and a pair of desert goggles handing from her neck. In her hands was a well polished elephant gun.
“Really. How nice for you. Where are you going, poppet?” The Baron carefully sidled around the must have been three dozen trunks, cases, bags, hat boxes, toiletry cases and whatever else.
The lovely child grinned at him…”Why with you Sir, of course, to go see Phillip and be an adventuress!”
The Baron was quite firm. “Absolutely not! And that, my girl, is final….and don’t go into the library please, there’s a good child.”
He slammed the main door behind him leaving the poor girl staring at at the closed door in indignant disbelief. Before she was able to open the door behind him and level her elephant gun however, a small explosion sounded from the library as the disk from the royal society detonated, shaking the house as Baron BardHaven sprinted across the bridge from the House of Three Graces to the Rose Corridor.
Needless to say, that was not to be the last he heard of Miss Kate Nicholas OR Miss kiralette Kelley in this expedition.
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*puts away the elephant gun and makes a run for it before Kirawill realizes that the library she JUST redecorated is now in shambles*
I’d say so.
Hmm, I highly approve of your team. Many gentles to spread the blame around–err, help you in your exploration of Phillip.
*pouts* I have plenty of Uisge Beatha left, I don’t need cooking sherry, thank you! *swallows another glass-full*
[...] August 3rd, 2007 at 5:35 pm (Uncategorized) Baron BardHaven Chooses the Scapego-, er, Expedition Members [...]